White-Jacketed-Fool

Sorry for the sudden spam!
I have been doodling slowly over the months, but I feel guilty for just leaving half-finished pictures here.
Feel it makes me look lazy, however, I'm getting over that and trying to be proud of little achievements I've done.
Even if it's silly doodles.
Generally Drop the doodles ASAP on my twitter, with my other dumb ramblings if anyone's wondering.

So once again for the 20th time, I'm not dead!
Just struggling and exhausted.

Hey again it's me.
Many of you may have guessed now that I have been down in the dumps for a long time now. To an unhealthy point in fact.
To which awhile back I went to the doctors about it to confirm it was depression and anxiety.

For the last couple of months now I have been visiting a therapist to try and face the demons in me and see why I've lost passion in the one thing I'm good at.
It's actually been an eye opener having a neutral party look at you with no judgment or history of you.

The first problem I had was just having no energy to do the stuff I wanted to do, I couldn't even sit down and watch a film or play a game I've been waiting months for.
And that was because I've worn myself out trying to make the best thing ever.
"Everything I did had to be perfect or what's the point?" I said.
Which brought up the first point. I created such unbelievably high standards for myself and things around me, it was no wonder I've worked myself to death. I was never happy with my work even after some good hard work.

So then the next question was "How did I get such standards?  
Going through current events, it was clear I was just having a shit time, but it was those events that brought up an interesting pattern.
Somewhere along the line, I got this habit of only seeing the bad in things. I assume the worst in people, I was critical of everything, I felt like I had the worst luck in the world
(It didn't help on the day of my first appointment, I got a flat tire, stuck behind 2 tractors and every horse rider in the county was out riding)
So the second point to this was I felt like I was cursed.

But then the next question to that is "what was the curse itself?"
And while discussing it I came to remember something from when I was little.
I used to be the type to play pretend, thinking I was a knight slaying dragons and things like that. Of course, I would get bullied for it.
but the kicker was When I fought back, standing up for myself. The Teacher singled me out and asked everyone "Who he has been bullied by him?" to which everyone raised they hand
"You're a Bully," She said to me.
From there on, I had to hide my creativity and imagination. Had to dumb down my writing, do paintings teachers wanted to see, etc etc.
Just so people wouldn't knock me down again.
The one thing I was good at, got twisted into this disgusting image for me, something I had to hide and carry like a burden.

So the combination of my talent of art feeling like a curse, and the lack of praise from a young age made this incredibly difficult environment to work in. 
I had to hold myself back, or do things I thought people would like to see because why would anyone like the things I do?
And any praise I did get, I instantly shot down because my standards and lack of trust assumed these people were lying or had no idea what they were talking about.

This has been happening for so long I eventually just burnt myself out, and was so lonely there was no one there to help me back up.

If I ever had to describe depression to someone
It's like a burning fire, but you can't get out of it.
It hurts, it's uncomfortable and just eats away at you...
but you can't be bothered to get out of it.

However looking at myself, I have learnt so much about myself and feel a lot better about it.
There's a scene in the new Cardcaptor series.
Where Li is looking at his reflection of a car window, angry with himself for failing.
Sakura then says "must be hard looking at yourself. Everyone else gets to see you for who you are, but the only way you get to look is by a reflection... I hope one day I can see what you see in me."
For my whole life, I was always confused about why people liked me and why they wanted to help me when they could have done better things.
I think I'm starting to see it now.

My therapist said to me "This curse was easily created in your head. Your mind was powerful enough to create this image of yourself that you believed it. So why don't you turn that curse into a blessing?"
So here I am, trying to show you I can be the best there is, and hopefully, start on the track to getting back to what I love doing. 

(If anyone even bothered reading it, most properly want to know when the big butts are coming back :T )

Just writing this journal cause A lot of people keep asking.

I am not doing commission/requests at the moment.

It's sort of insulting to me that a lot of people seem to ignore a lot of the signs that I'm not been in a good mindset for Art of late.
Now, of course, I'm not saying everyone who asks is at fault of this, some might of just recently discovered me and just checking on my status.
But for a lot of the long term watchers, it comes off as ignorant to come to an artist that's clearly been very inactive with their work, and then get offended and rude when the artist refuses.
Like what used to be a good couple of pictures a week, has dwindled down to 1 picture every month or so, if lucky.
Of course, no one asks if I'm okay or anything and I am aware that's alot to ask for passerbyers to care for a strangers wellbeing.
But when the last picture they've done was 3 months ago and have responded to no recent comments, maybe those are enough of a warning sign?

For me personally, it hurts when people keep coming to me for art and I have to turn it down.
You'd think I'd be happy with so many people enjoying my work so much, that they want to see more of it with their ideas, but instead, it's a haunting reminder of the strength I can't muster to do the thing I once enjoyed so much, and I feel it wards people off.
I would love to draw more pictures, and even more so if I could make a living off it.

But for the time being, I'm not in a good mindset and just struggling with a lot of things, and people getting pissy at me that the exhausted man is exhausted isn't helping.

On a brighter note, it is nice to know that people enjoy the scraps of art I can pull together, so it puts my mind at ease that not every picture has to be a complete deal.
Sorry for the angry journal, but I'd rather address this here so most people will see, then explain it over and over again. 

So this is just a quick notice.

Since Tumblr decided to shoot itself in the foot with an RPG about the NSFW thing.
And as we all know Clowns are just the lewdest of them all.
Look at Sunny, being such a tease.
A while ago I created a Twitter. 
twitter.com/WhiteyJFool
So if you wanna follow me there too that'd be neat.
Trying to be more active about these things.
Post more dumb doodles, speaking my mind. that sort of junk.
Who knows! who cares...
Maybe me, I dunno.

So yeah, nothing much changed. still struggling all that jazz.
However currently working on them! So don't you threat.
Trying to be more of a Sammy Smiles, then a Debbie Downer.

Olla amigos.

Back again for a bit, keep having a bad habit of dropping stuff here and disappearing.
Still suffering the same issues as the last journal.
No motivation for art, thus art gets meh, thus kills further motivation, etc.
downward spiral. yadda yadda.

However, been noticing some peeps while doodling some non-fetishie things, they missed my old stuff.
Like my monsters and story characters.
I always felt like splitting my normal stuff with the fetish was the way to go.
But I noticed that a lot of other artists don't seem to care these days, that and it's become more of a common thing.#
Maybe times have changed.

Heck it seems more and more people are coming here to see Sunny, not just to be puffed, just cause she's cute.
And believe me I want to do more with sunny, again not just growing big, but just doing normal silly things too with her friends

~~that no one knows about because I haven't had the motivation to do them either ;w;~~


So I was wondering if some of you peeps would be interested into seeing those again?
Or just stick to doing big boobs and butts?
There say varity is the spice of life, and that spice might just be the peep I need. 

Just speaking my mind.
Whitey~